Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Four Years...

Today was the four year anniversary of Mama's death.

It isn't like me to not cry over such a big thing. Maybe my medication is preventing me from crying. Maybe I've cried so much over the last few weeks I am empty and simply cannot cry anymore for a while.

Even so, I've thought of Mama constantly. I had her candle lit all day in memory of her.
This candle is very special to me. I've loved candles my entire life. but years ago when I was nine years old I almost burned our home down because I was burning candles in my room. A big deal at the time, but became a family joke years later. So because of this I wasn't allowed to play with candles or matches again. Years later when I had a home of my own I couldn't buy enough candles and so far I have proven to be responsible with them. But Mama still worried. I imagine she still saw me as the careless nine year old, so she started buying the battery operated candles like the one in the photo. I fell in love with them because I can fall asleep without worry now.
This particular candle is most special to me because it arrived in the mail on Saturday before my Mama went home to be with the Lord the following Thursday morning. She wanted me to open the package and run to the store to get the C-size batteries for it so she could see the candle in all of its glowing glory.

I am glad I did that for her. We sat and talked for hours while burning the candle. It was a Christmas gift she ordered for me, which had been on back order so long she forgot about it until the day it arrived. I love the Mother and Daughter beach scene on it with a passage that says:

Mother and Daughter from the Start
Best Friends From the Heart ~

How true that is. My Mama really was my best friend and most certainly my biggest fan. I am thankful for that day we had together. I cooked in her kitchen for her, for the last time that day. We looked through old photographs and talked about each one. Stephen was especially sweet to her all day. They had some cuddle time on the sofa. Neither of us had any idea that would be our last "normal" day together.

The next day, Sunday, Mama became violently ill and stayed ill until Tuesday when she finally let us take her to the Dr. They were very concerned and sent her the next morning to the hospital for tests, but she ended up in the ER instead. We were informed later that day that she had Metastatic Cancer, meaning it had spread from its place of origin. They were going to send her home with hospice the next day, but Mama, always being the one in charge, decided to give up and go to her eternal home just after midnight. I was with her. I sensed the presence of God and His angels enter the room, and I felt my Mama's spirit leave her body and embrace me with a comforting hug. I am telling you, if I never believed before, I am I firm believer NOW. Yes, there is a God and YES, He is bigger than anything we can imagine, and He is merciful to those that love Him.  My Mama's passing over was peaceful as she slept. I'll never forget the feeling of the Lord's presence and I no longer fear death.

But I still miss her. I miss everything about Mama. I know I will see her again some day, but until that day I will burn candles in her memory and trust that she and the saints are interceding for the rest of her family.
  In Loving Memory of my mother, Ruth M Willis February 22, 1936 - March 25 2010. 


Jon said...

The candle is a beautiful and poignant way to remember your Mother - - and it's particularly special since it was a gift from her. The memories of her will always be alive in your heart.

Your blog post especially touched me because my Mom passed away in December, 2009. She was one of my best friends and I never got over the loss.
Take care.

aims said...

Thank you,Jon. I'm beginning to think we won't get over our loss of our loved ones, but only in time we'll cope and be able to work through our pain. It comforts me to know that this is temporary and I will see Mama again when I am called home. Doesn't make the pain less, but it gets me through the rough days.