Monday, May 24, 2010

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

Just wanted to say I’m OK. A lot is going on right now. I’m now taking care of two households: Mine and my daddy’s. I’m miserably failing at both.

It goes without saying, I’ve been terribly depressed lately. Managing depression has always been a battle for me -- But having a disabled child put me in a darker place, then losing mama, as close as we were, has taken me to a new, lower level … a level I’ve never felt before. I know that God will hold me up when I can’t do it on my own. Most days I find that I am just simply going through the motions.

If you have emailed me and not heard back, it’s because I haven’t been checking my email regularly. If you’ve tried to call me and I haven’t returned your calls, please don’t take it personally … I just need what little bit of time I have to myself to be by myself. Over the last few years, I’ve grown to hate the telephone, and lately, I cringe every time the phone rings because I just don’t feel like talking. So please, like I said, don’t take it personally. I just need to withdraw right now. I need time to be with my thoughts and feel my pain.

It’s time to give in and let grieving take it’s natural course. I’ve been staying “busy” and putting it off for two months. In doing that, I‘ve allowed myself to become numb, and I know that isn‘t good.

This is the last week of school and I will be even busier than ever this summer. My daddy is very lost and lonely right now, and I worry about him. Most days I cook our meals at his house, and some days I cook here at home and he comes over to eat with us. I go over to his house every day to help clean and do chores that … well, let’s face it … men aren’t equipped to do, as mama used to say. But I have to say, daddy’s gotten used to doing a lot of things around the house since mama was too ill to do them, and he does a pretty good job.

I will check in as soon as I feel up to it. I do hope the desire to write returns because I have so much I want to share.