Thursday, April 22, 2010

Gratitude and Attitude - On Grief ...

Hello blog. Long time no see.

For the few of you who were unaware, I should tell you that my mama went home to be with the Lord on March 25th. I was alone with her at the time she took her last breath. Just the two of us in a dark and quiet hospital room. No background television noise, no monitors. The only light was from the bathroom door that I left cracked open just enough to see my way around the room. In the last few hours of mama’s life I had the privilege of caring for her as she cared for me for more than 43 years. How do you repay your mother in one day for all she’s done for you? You can’t. It’s as simple as that.

We knew she was dying, but we didn’t know it would be exactly eight hours after the doctor told us the tests revealed terminal cancer; they were going to send her home the next day with hospice.
As for me, I’ve known since last July. Exactly eight months before she died. I think I’ve mentioned somewhere in my blog before that I have a dark gift. Well, I once called it a dark gift, it’s probably wrong for me to call it that … Call it whatever you want. For years I called myself a freak. I have precognitive dreams. I never dream that something good is going to happen - it’s always a warning that something bad is going to happen. Sometimes the dreams are vivid, detailed visions, and sometimes they are filled with symbols that I have to seek God to show me the answer. The dream I had about mama’s death was the type that is filled with symbols. Because of this … gift, I took a class about spiritual dream interpretation so I could learn to accept and learn what is going on in my spirit. I won’t write the details of that dream at this time - maybe someday, but not right now.

Before I begin, I want to tell you that what I am about to share with you is very personal to me, but I allowed our minister to share this story at mama’s funeral, and I will write about it now because after searching my spirit and praying about it, I know it‘s what I am supposed to do. My hope is that it will help someone who has gone through the loss of a loved one, or if you haven’t experienced the grief of losing a parent yet, you will remember these words when the time comes and find comfort in them.

First, let me begin by telling you about my mama. If you’ve been reading my online journal for the last seven years, you’ve read numerous stories about my mama. Some of them I deleted when my blog was made public in our local newspaper last year because I wanted to spare her the embarrassment. My mama and I had a very, very close relationship, but we also had a lot to overcome in the last twenty years. I’m happy to say that our relationship was mended and all was right when she died. We were probably closer than we’ve ever been. As I end today’s entry on that note, let me end in saying this:

If you do have unfinished business with your loved ones, don’t let pride stand in your way of healing those hurts. In the end it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You don’t want to have to someday look down into the casket of that loved one with guilt and regret that it’s too late.

I will continue ASAP …

Meanwhile, please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. Today is four weeks ago that she died.